“These can be both more common and more hurtful. For example, it’s easy to label someone as horrible (and unprofessional) for asking about your sex life, but the line is blurrier when the question isn’t overt,” says Navetta.

When faced with an off-color comment or an inappropriate question, it’s important to remember that people do not necessarily mean to offend. Doug Case, Business/Marketing Segment manager for Wells Fargo’s Community Bank in San Francisco, suggests it’s best to address the lack of cultural competence. “We expect colleagues to have inclusive language, but we need to hold ourselves accountable to inviting that dialogue.” says Case, who serves as an Executive Sponsor for Wells Fargo’s PRIDE Team Member Network.

Remember—everyone has their own biases and internal barriers they need to work through. “Don’t write people off,” advises Navetta. “Becoming inclusive—especially about something that is new to someone—isn’t an overnight transformation. It is a journey, and we need to be the ones who show them how.”

Things NOT to Say to LGBT Employees

1. “Wow. I never would have guessed that you’re [gay, lesbian, bi, or transgender]!
While this comment might be meant as a compliment—acknowledging that a person does not fall into the traditional, sometimes negative stereotype—it can still cause offense. Don’t believe the sitcoms: “Not all gay guys love Madonna,” says Michael Moran, Interactive Art Director, DiversityInc. And not all lesbians watch sports. Addressing commonplace assumptions like these is a good first step in creating inclusion.

2. “Is one of you the husband and one the wife? I don’t get it.”
Why do relationships have to be about traditional roles? In any marriage or relationship, it’s about partnership and sharing responsibilities. Reframing the conversation this way can help open mindsets about same-gender partnerships and marriage.

3. To a Transgender: “What’s your real name? What did you used to look like?”
Transgender issues are still a very new topic to many people, says Navetta, which creates an organic curiosity among people. “But asking about someone’s ‘past’ life is an absolute no-no. “People should be seen as who they are today, in the affirmed gender in which they live,” she says.

4. “Your lifestyle is your business. We don’t need to talk about it here.”
Referring to sexual orientation and gender identity as a “lifestyle” or “sexual preference” suggests that being LGBT, and ultimately identifying as such, is a choice. Being able to talk about your partner at work, putting family photos in your cubicle, bringing your partner to the office holiday party—these are simple things that allow ALL employees to bring their whole selves to work and fully engage.

5. “It’s too bad you’re gay.”
“Yeah, too bad for you. I get this from flirtatious women after the truth dawns,” says Moran. While it’s meant as a harmless flirtation or joke, this can imply that there is something wrong with being gay. Why else would you call it “bad”?

6. “I have a friend who’s [gay, lesbian, bisexual, transgender] that you should meet.”
Just because two people share or have similar sexual orientations does not mean they automatically will be able to blossom a friendship or other relationship. Every person has their own personality, interests and hobbies, but being gay isn’t one of them.

More Things Not to Say

• You’re gay? That’s great. I love gay people.
• Do you watch Glee?
• What should I [wear, do with my hair]?
• Do you know if [insert name] is gay too?
• Does that mean you don’t want kids?
• Wait, you’re not attracted to me … right?

The post ‘Are You the Husband or the Wife?’ 6 Things NOT to Say to LGBTs appeared first on DiversityInc.

1. Terms of “endearment” such as “sweetie,” “hon” or “cutie.”
This is when a term of endearment becomes anything but endearing. In the workplace, such language can be interpreted as degrading or belittling.

2. “You’ve lost weight” or “You look so much better.”
Women as well as men may enjoy compliments on their looks. But saying this to a female coworker or executive at an inappropriate time can make female coworkers feel as though their skills and work are not taken seriously—that male counterparts are focusing only on their looks. Comments on weight and/or physical appearance should not be made to anyone in a business setting, as they imply a level of personal familiarity. They also suggest the person was fat or looked bad before. And the person might have an undisclosed illness, which would obviously make the comment even more rude.

3. Any kind of sexual comment.
Not only do sexual innuendos and derogatory terms like “honey” make the female employee on the receiving end feel embarrassed and offended, they also create a problem for the rest of the workplace environment. Think your top women employees will stick around if they know a company does not promote and enforce equal respect.

4. “Is it that time of the month?” or “She’s so emotional.”
There’s a preconceived notion that women cannot handle stress and tend to get too “personally invested” in their work. Dr. Ella Bell, Associate Professor of Business Administration at the Tuck School of Business at Dartmouth, speaks very passionately about her work. As such, she immediately took offense when a senior male colleague said to her: “You sure wear your heart on your sleeve.”

That “ticked me off because I always try to be concrete. I interpreted it as my work wasn’t making intellectual sense,” recalls Bell. “I did pull him over on the side afterward and explained how it made me feel and that it was inappropriate.” Bell notes, however, that she was hesitant to speak up at first as she did not want to draw more negative attention.

When a female executive is forceful or aggressive, she can be received in a negative way, but a man in the same position is perceived as doing his job. One of the ways that negativity can be expressed is by attributing the behavior to hormonal changes. It is never appropriate to comment on a female coworker’s menstrual cycle or hormones. But how should a woman deal with the situation if she is the recipient of such a comment? Bell suggests that women find evidence of a male employee behaving the same way, which can help generate awareness for this common stereotype of women.

5. “You aren’t as aggressive with your subordinates as you should be. You need to be more forceful and tougher.”
“These are code words for being more ‘manly,’” says Barbara Frankel, Senior Vice President and Executive Editor of DiversityInc. “There are many different successful styles to manage people. What matters is results and that the manager’s style is inclusive and in keeping with the corporate culture.”

6. “You only got the job because you’re a woman.”
Suggesting to a woman that she’s excelled in her career because of gender is disrespectful. But unfortunately, Bell says this is a common occurrence, and that it’s common for those in the academic world to feel they must “justify” picking a woman over a man. “When a woman gets tenure you’ll hear others—including women—say, ‘She really wasn’t that good but they really wanted to keep her,’ or, ‘She shouldn’t have made it but … ,’” explains Bell. “You never hear that with the men.”

“After a while it rolls off your back. Your skin toughens so that when you hear comments, you can then approach the situation in a constructive way,” she says.

Elizabeth Vazquez, CEO of WEConnect International, a nonprofit fostering global business empowerment for women, says that globally there exists a perception that women do not have business savvy—this includes the ability to grow a company to a significant size and be a very successful business owner. “The public perception creates a cultural barrier for women who do not consider business ownership [or senior management] as a viable option, and it can also make it harder for women to get the support they need from their families and communities,” she explains.

To change this dynamic, Vazquez stresses the need to promote women’s success stories in business, including how they did it, what barriers they overcame, and the impact it has had on their lives and the lives of their families, communities and industry sector.

7.  “Do you really want that promotion? You’ll never see your kids.”
There still exists an unspoken belief that a woman executive will not be able to put in the same hours as a man. People assume she won’t be able to work more than 40 hours per week if she has a family or she’ll have to keep her children, not work, as the priority. This is a fatal error in judgment, especially for companies looking to improve gender diversity among their senior executives.

Don’t be quick to assume that a woman employee doesn’t value or want to pursue a high-profile executive career because she has (or wants) children at home. In fact, a woman who can simultaneously manage the demands of leading a team with the responsibilities of a busy family life demonstrates exceptional skill.

Similarly, you should never ask a woman, “Do you want to keep working now that you’re [married, divorced, pregnant, your husband/partner is relocating, your husband/partner is retiring]?” according to an anonymous female executive. You wouldn’t ask a man if he wanted to keep working if his family status changed or his significant other’s job status changed. But many bosses think it totally appropriate to ask women the same thing.

8.  “You do that so well for a girl.”
Even jokingly, the phrase implies that women are inferior to men and reinforces dated stereotypes. It also discourages many young women from actively pursuing interests in traditionally male-dominated industries, including STEM (Science, Technology, Engineering and Math) fields. Any conversation that implies that a woman—or any individual from any group—is “less than” is inappropriate. For an inspiring story, read about Wells Fargo Executive Vice President Michelle Lee’s experience as the only Black woman in her bank’s leadership-training program (www.DiversityInc.com/michelle-lee).

9. “Are you pregnant?” or “When are you due?”
While your intentions here may just be based on goodwill and a little curiosity, this can be a sensitive question to ask ANY woman, at work or outside of the office. Assume it’s none of your business unless a coworker decides to bring it up on her own. If you are discussing families and children, you may ask, “Do you have children?” but it’s up to the other person how much they want to reveal and when.

MORE THINGS NOT TO SAY:

• “You look thin. You should eat more.”
• Calling your boss or a snarky female coworker the B-word.
• “You aren’t one of those feminists, are you?”
• “Why aren’t you married yet?”
• “Men and women are treated equally. What are you complaining about?”
• “You’re being irrational.”

The post Beyond ‘Honey’ & ‘Sweetie’: Things NEVER to Say to Women appeared first on DiversityInc.

Jim Norman, Adriene Bruce, Michelle Lee

“You’re so articulate,” “You must have voted for Obama” and “I love your name, it’s so ethnic” top the list of blatantly obvious things you shouldn’t say to Blacks. But it’s not always about what you should say as much as how and when you say it.

“The comments frequently may be coming from an unconscious bias,” says Kraft Foods Group Vice President of Diversity Jim Norman. Living in an increasingly diverse country doesn’t necessarily make it easier. In fact, it becomes more difficult, especially when you’re unsure of how best to build relationships at work. People struggle to find affinity and fall back on stereotypes unintentionally, Norman says.

Most people aren’t aware of the negative impact their words can have on others, according to Wells Fargo Executive Vice President and Northeast Regional President Michelle Lee. She recommends that Blacks “call it to attention and explain how what [the person] said sounds. The average person doesn’t walk around wanting to be offensive and most are very grateful for the insight.”

Norman also advises not to jump to conclusions of racism or discrimination. “These instances are best responded to candidly, with some sense that the individual asking the question is doing so from a lack of knowledge,” he says.

5 Things NEVER to Say to Blacks

1. “You’re so articulate.”
This phrase is one of the most frequently cited gaffes. “When someone makes this statement, they think they are providing the receiver with a compliment,” explains Adriene Bruce, Vice President of Consulting, DiversityInc.

But the comment implies that the person is an exception to a rule, which promotes stereotypes. “It comes from ignorance or lack of exposure and is nonintentional,” says Bruce, but it’s condescending.

2. “I actually voted for Obama.”
It’s not what you say—but when you say it. Telling a Black person you voted for Obama when you’re conversing about what’s being offered in the cafeteria downstairs or immediately after discussing last night’s game unintentionally highlights underlying issues of race that exist.

The statement is an attempt to create affinity or commonality, says Norman, but translates as superficial. “Don’t assume to know who I support politically,” Norman says.

3. “Is that your real hair?” and “Can I touch your hair?”
This question should not be asked of ANY person. Hair and grooming are personal. Read Do Blacks Need to Relax Their Natural Hair to Get Promoted? (www.diversityinc.com/natural-hair) for more on this subject. As a general practice, you also should never initiate unsolicited and/or inappropriate physical contact with anyone.

4. “You people”
Referencing Blacks or any other demographic as a collective “you” quickly causes negative assumptions that you mean to offend. “You’re implying an intention to make the Black person—or any person—at the receiving end of the statement feel substandard,” says Bruce. For example: “Please be on time, since you people have a tendency of being late.”

“No specific race is late,” Bruce says. “People are late and people are on time.”

5. “Do you know any good diversity candidates?” and “Let’s take a risk on a diverse candidate”
“Yes, I know good diversity candidates. Why don’t you?” says Norman, noting that the word “good” suggests a belief that the majority are not qualified. While the speaker may not intend to imply this negative connotation, it implies that choosing a Black for a senior-level position is a risk.

“Usually it’s someone trying to be very supportive of the company’s or their own diversity initiative, but a statement like that lands negatively on people,” explains Lee. “What I’ve done is called it to their attention and explained how that sounds.”

Bruce, Lee and Norman also advise to avoid these phrases:

• “Is this how the brothers do it?”
• “I love your name, it’s so ethnic” and “Whatever happened to good old-fashioned names like Bob, Jim and Mary?”
• “You’re like the Black [insert white person here]” and “You look like [insert famous Black person here]”
• “So what sport did you play?”
• “I don’t see color” (“Sure you do,” says Norman)
• “You are only here to meet the company’s quota”
• Don’t try to dance, rap or use terms associated with hip-hop culture in jest
• Don’t assume all Blacks are African-American; there also are people who are African, Afro-Latino, Afro-European, Afro-Caribbean, etc.
• Read more at www.diversityinc.com/10-things-blacks

Most importantly, companies need to equip their employees to have these difficult conversations and take advantage of these opportunities to provide some cultural perspective, stress Lee and Norman. An organization can address acts of discrimination, but that will not mitigate less obvious stereotypes and biases.

“When people have a good relationship, they can talk about a few things very openly. irrespective of race and gender. We all have biases we need to become aware of and we need to become conscious of what we do and say,” explains Norman, noting that it’s important for Blacks to take the time and get everyone engaged in genuine conversations about diversity and how stereotypes affect them.

The post ‘You Must Have Voted for Obama’: 5 Things NEVER to Say to Blacks appeared first on DiversityInc.

What should you NOT say to people with disabilities? Get lessons from the experts.

“It is not so much about etiquette. … Words that speak to a person’s medical condition are not appropriate, and it is important to put the person first: a person with a disability versus a diabetic, quadriplegic, et cetera,” says Deborah Dagit, a disabilities expert and Vice President and Chief Diversity Officer of Merck & Co. (No. 16 on the DiversityInc Top 50), who was born with Osteogenesis imperfecta (brittle bone disease), is four feet tall and uses a wheelchair at work to enhance her mobility.

When all else fails, it’s OK to ask respectfully, says Dagit, who prefers to be called a “little person.” “I am proud to be associated with this community, but others who are diminutive may think this sounds too much like they are part of a daycare center,” she explains. “I am also not comfortable with being described as wheelchair-bound or confined: My wheelchair and motorized scooter are enabling tools in my life and I am neither tied into them nor unhappy about using them to be safer and more comfortable.”

You Said WHAT?!

Culturally insensitive terms include “handicapped,” “retarded” and “slow,” and even “compliments” such as “but you look so good.”

Executives from the National Organization on Disability say the best advice is to use common sense: “If you wouldn’t say it to your boss, you shouldn’t say it to a person with a disability.”

We’ve compiled a list of real-life conversations that happened in the workplace to serve as examples of what not to say to people with visible and/or invisible disabilities.

1. “How do you go to the bathroom?”

“Yes, this still gets asked,” says Will Roberts, Program Manager at NOD, who uses a wheelchair. “Unfortunately, potty talk doesn’t end in elementary school. Anything to do with bodily functions is out of line, just as it would be with any other co-worker.”

2. “I don’t even think of you as a person with a disability.”

Meg O’Connell, Vice President of Corporate Programs at NOD, gets this comment a lot when she discloses that she has epilepsy. This is the equivalent of saying, “I don’t think of you as a Black person, or Asian, or Hispanic, or gay, or a woman,” says O’Connell. “This is a comment that really doesn’t add value.”

O’Connell advises that when someone is disclosing a disability, the best response is to ask if the person needs anything or to thank them for disclosing such personal information.

3. “Can you still have children?”

This is not an appropriate question to ask any co-worker. The National Organization on Disability says you can simply ask as you would any other co-worker, “Are you married?” or, “Do you have children?”

4. “If the organization’s willing to hire someone who looks like you, it’s more caring than I thought.

“Shortly after being hired for a visible leadership role in my company, I had several colleagues tell me this with tears in their eyes. What do you say to a comment like that?” asks Dagit. “‘Thank you’?”

5. “Tell me what he/she might want/need?”

“My father-in-law had Parkinson’s disease, and this would happen a lot when we would be out to dinner: The waiter or waitress would invariably ask, ‘Do you know what he wants?’ We would usually just say, ‘Why don’t you ask him?’” says O’Connell.

Always speak directly to the person with a disability, and if there is something the person needs, he/she will let you know, O’Connell says.

6. ”Oh, I’m so sorry,” or, “It must be bad for you.”

“Most people with disabilities have learned to live very well with their disability and do not need pity or sympathy,” says NOD Director of Research and Public Funding Kate Brady. “Offering your sympathy on what you believe to be a struggle or difficult for a person with a disability may not be—it may just be how they get things done.”

7. “When will you get better and not have to use a wheelchair/cane, take medication, et cetera?”

People tend to associate orthopedic equipment, tools and treatments as a limiting stigma of a person’s disability rather than a method of well-being and productivity. After one bad fall and subsequent medical leave, Dagit made the choice to start using a wheelchair or motorized scooter at work.

“On many occasions people expressed concern about my health and wondered when I would get better,” she says. “They associated using a wheelchair with not recovering, although I explained many times I am in excellent health and feeling better than I did before I got hurt—it helps me better manage my energy and prevent injuries.”

8. ”Wow, you can drive!” or, “How did you do that?”

Expressing amazement and congratulations for achieving everyday tasks is not appropriate, explains Roberts. “People with disabilities have the same wants and needs as anyone else, and if they can, they will find a way to get what they need and are uncomfortable with praise,” he says.

9. “What, are you retarded?”

Intellectual insults can be common workplace banter. However, using a slur to comment on someone’s abilities is offensive, not to mention insensitive, as one in five people have a disability. Think before you speak.

Pay It Forward: Inclusion at Work and Home

Additionally, Dagit notes that employees with children should pay their diversity training forward at home. “I usually choose to work from home on Take Your Child to Work Day. … It is exponentially more challenging when a colleague’s child makes an awkward comment and the parent reacts with horror,” she says.

Parents should let children ask questions about people who are different, but they should do so quietly—and they should never point or stare for a prolonged period. “The worst possible reaction is to punish the child,” Dagit says, “as they then associate people who are different with something bad that they cannot talk about.”

For more things not to say to people with disabilities, read 7 Things NEVER to Say to People With Disabilities.

Also read Things ‘to’ Say to People With Disabilities for advice on how you can dispel stereotypes and promote inclusion in the workplace.

For more on inclusive best practices read:

What Is Possible for People With Disabilities?

How Recruiting People With Disabilities Solved Toyota’s Costly Problem

You Can Get Fired During FMLA Leave

Obesity Is a Disability, Says EEOC 

The post ‘How Do You Go to the Bathroom?’ ‘Can You Still Have Children?’: Things NOT to Say to People With Disabilities appeared first on DiversityInc.

Don’t: Neglect your homework.

Do: Understand your CEO as a human being first. What is his/her story? Understanding family background, education and values is core to developing a diversity-and-inclusion message that will click. Did an incident, experience or relationship provoke an epiphany? It’s our experience that behind every diversity-passionate CEO is a story.

Don’t: Tell your CEO to emphasize “it’s the right thing to do.” Of course, inclusion is the right thing to do—and we’ve seen a small number of CEOs advance D&I primarily because they feel it’s the right thing to do. But most CEOs already have come to an understanding that it’s the right thing to do for their businesses. In this light, your presentation should have the same format (including font and PowerPoint template) and quality of content as your CFO’s presentations. Avoid diversity parlor tricks like jelly beans or animal analogies (unless your CFO uses them, in which case it’s probably time to look for another job).

Do: Make sure your CEO is given relevant information about how diversity helps your company reach its business goals, and that he or she is encouraged to communicate support frequently and as part of regular business messages. Consider that 94 percent of DiversityInc Top 50 CEOs have a personal quote on diversity on the homepage of their company websites and also communicate regularly on their intranets about the business benefits of diversity. And if you look at those quotes, especially of CEOs whose companies are in the top 10, you’ll see that they are business-focused, not full of platitudes.

Don’t: Tell your CEO that diversity management is about having fewer white men at the top. Since odds are that your CEO and his direct reports are primarily white men, you won’t be sending a message of inclusion at all.

Do: Help the CEO and the senior executives understand through data and facts that by improving the diversity of human-capital demographics, they will expand the business by improving innovation, engagement and outreach to increasingly multicultural clients and suppliers. Emphasize the “inclusion” part of D&I, which means making the business case to white men for their involvement and getting their buy-in from the beginning. And be sure to understand that this group of similarly dressed white men is also very diverse in its own regard.

Don’t: De-emphasize human-capital metrics.

Do: We’ve seen almost 100 percent correlation between a chief diversity officer’s de-emphasizing metrics and a reduction of D&I department staff and budget. At a well-run company, any business project worth doing is tracked very closely to results. Diversity management is no different, and it’s your job to make that connection. Link recruiting and talent-development goals to quality and performance. (Finding the best and brightest from every group is harder than “going with the majority flow,” but it doesn’t set up your company for a more-diverse future—and doesn’t leave a good legacy for the future leadership of the company.) Understanding the trajectory of best practices and outcomes at other companies is key to successful diversity-management initiatives.

Don’t: Think that the objections of senior-management naysayers are insurmountable.

Do: A large-company CEO recently told one of us that he had two naysayers regarding same-gender partner benefits. Both were senior and well regarded. Both “retired” earlier than they had anticipated. As Dr. Martin Luther King said: “The arc of the moral universe is long, but it bends towards justice.” Stick to your facts and your principals. We’re on the winning side of history. Keep your chin up, and give us a call if you would like some support.

–Luke Visconti and Barbara Frankel

The post What Not to Say to Your CEO About Diversity appeared first on DiversityInc.

PricewaterhouseCoopers executive Stephanie Peel’s history is a corporate America coming-out success story. When she came out professionally more than a dozen years ago, she was welcomed by her colleagues. “I came out personally in 1997 and came out professionally in 1999. Fortunately, I never heard anything not positive,” says Peel.

PricewaterhouseCoopers is No. 1 on The 2012 DiversityInc Top 50 Companies for Diversity list and No. 6 on the Top 10 Companies for LGBT Employees. Peel serves on the company’s GLBT Partner Advisory Board, which consists of 11 leaders in the firm who are LGBT and provides guidance to the management committee to help further advance initiatives and activities.

“I often tell people who ask me about this [that] it’s not just about what you can’t say or shouldn’t say, because sometimes I find that colleagues feel stymied in that they shouldn’t say anything at all. There is a lot of room for the things you can say to give clues to people that you are inclusive and culturally sensitive,” warns Peel.

Watch this video from Out & Equal Workplace Project for more on how coming out can enhance employee engagement:

Things NOT to Say to Your LGBT Colleagues

Here’s what GLSEN (the Gay, Lesbian and Straight Education Network), the Out & Equal Workplace Project, and Peel suggest:

No. 1: “I suspected you were gay.”
Although it is a common response, it’s insensitive and plays into stereotypes.

No. 2: “I’m sorry.”
Why should you apologize for a colleague’s orientation? This implies judgment and can make the situation more difficult. Would you apologize for a person’s ethnicity or gender?

No. 3: “Why did you tell me that?”
It’s important for people to bring their “whole selves” to work, and coming out of the closet is certainly a part of who one is. “The notion of leaving a big part of your self at home and walking into work is like walking around with two types of shoes on,” says Selisse Berry, founding executive director of Out & Equal, an advocacy organization that provides services to companies, human-resource professionals, employee-resource groups and individuals.

No. 4: “Which bathroom do you use?”
Transgender people often are asked what gender they are. Such questions are inappropriate, warns Out & Equal. It is important to remember that gender identity is becoming an increasingly sensitive subject.

No. 5: “We are not close enough for you to share that information with me.”
Not all employees are interested in their coworkers’ personal lives. If you feel a colleague may have shared too much information, you can simply say, “Thank you for telling me that,” says Peel.

No. 6: Referring to coworkers as “she-male.”
There has been a lot of uproar these days over this phrase. Transgender employees often are the brunt of culturally insensitive jokes and comments.

No. 7: “What do you like to do in bed?”
Sexual questions and comments are always off-limits. Not only do you run the risk of offending a colleague, you are also teetering the line of sexual harassment. It’s important not to be confused between trying to understand someone’s personal life and inappropriate sexual harassment, warns Kevin Jennings, executive director of the Arcus Foundation and founder of GLSEN.

The post 7 Things NEVER to Say to LGBT Coworkers appeared first on DiversityInc.