Keywords: discriminatory, gender, women, workplace, sex, derogatory, what not to say, peer relationships, discrimination men

Sometimes, a term of endearment can be anything but endearing.

"I had this manager who … started referring to me as 'honey,'" recalls May Snowden, former chief diversity officer for both Starbucks and Eastman Kodak Co. (one of DiversityInc's 25 Noteworthy Companies), who is now president and CEO of Snowden & Associates, Inc. "[It was] when I took my first director position. I was in a male-dominated job in the telecommunications industry and I did not want to embarrass him in front of his peers, so I invited him to my office and indicated that 'I won't call you sweetie if you won't call me honey.' We had that little conversation and he stopped. He was really embarrassed, [and because] he calls his wife, his daughters and other women 'honey', he did not even think about it." Audio clip.

"We all come to the table with biases and histories and upbringings in life that give us a perspective that may have 20, 30 years behind it," says Sherry Nolan, vice president of diversity and organizational capabilities at Pepsi Bottling Group, No. 29 on The 2008 DiversityInc Top 50 Companies for Diversity^® list. "The truth of the matter is that we all come to the table with different perspectives, and what we'd rather have is folks saying, 'Hey, how do I address that?' or 'How would you like me to think about this?' or 'What should I call you?' We use this notion that we may stumble a little bit or not get it right the first time, but with more practice, the more authentic dialog we'll have with diversity in our organization, the more productive and engaged our people will be." Audio clip.

So to make sure there aren't some unconscious biases informing that harmless comment you are about to make to the woman in the next office, take a look at eight things you should never say to a woman executive or coworker.

Any kind of sexual comment

At a previous job, a supervisor approached me and jokingly said, "I'll give you a dollar for five minutes alone in the copy room." I was shocked, embarrassed and utterly offended. Unfortunately, I didn't feel at liberty to speak up, so I simply walked away.

"It's pure ignorance," says Karen Brown, chief diversity officer for Rockwell Collins, one of DiversityInc's 25 Noteworthy Companies. "The best way to deal with these things is to consider it as a perfect awareness opportunity to teach that individual something that they never would have had the chance to learn before then."

Brown says offensive comments like these are a problem for more than just the employee on the receiving end. "You're going to create an environment where people struggle and therefore lack the freedom to be innovative and comfortable," she says. "When you remove those barriers and create a culture that allows people to flourish, you get better engagement, better retention and better results."

"You don't really want that promotion. You'll never see your kids."

"There is that preconceived notion that a woman cannot work more than the 40 hours per week, especially if she has a family," says Brown.

Don't assume that a woman's career isn't as important to her because she has children at home. Her children may be what's driving her to excel to her highest potential.

Brown adds, "She may in fact want that promotion just as much as her male counterpart, but she's balancing family life and at the same time balancing leading a team." Audio clip.

"You'll get the job because you're a woman" or "You must be the token woman"

Suggesting to a female coworker or executive that she is where she is because of gender is nothing short of disrespectful. It demeans that woman's experience in the field and expertise as a leader. It also indicates, to a woman from an underrepresented group, that she was selected not only because she is a female but also because she is Black, Latina or Asian.

"I had a journalist ask me, 'Don't you think you got this job because you're a Hispanic woman?'" recalls Ana Mollinedo Mims, managing director of The Hunting Ridge Group. "I said, 'Did you read my bio before you came to interview me? Did you look at my résumé? Chances are that [being Latina] could have been the weighing factor that tipped me over all the other candidates.' And he looked at me and said, 'Are you OK with that?' I said, 'Absolutely. I don't care what gets me in the door. Because what's going to keep me in the door is what I bring to the table.'"

"What's the matter, is it that time of the month?"

When a female executive is forceful or aggressive, she is often received in a negative way, while a man in the same position is perceived as doing his job. One of the ways that negativity can be expressed is by attributing the behavior to hormonal changes. While this may seem like an obvious statement, it is never appropriate to comment on a female coworker's menstrual cycle or hormones. But how should a woman deal with the situation if she is the recipient of such a comment?

"I use the technique of question, listen and message," says Brown. "I would find evidence where a male counterpart behaves the same way and then ask and probe why [the employee who made the comment] thinks that way when the evidence is the same. In that moment in time when you're able to show evidence, that's probably the first time they see it that way." Audio clip.

"You're very attractive [or pretty, or beautiful, etc.]"

Although women as well as men may enjoy a compliment on their looks, saying this to a female coworker or executive can leave the coworker feeling marginalized--as if her looks are more important than her skills or what she has to say.

"It is that feeling to the receiver that the listener isn't paying attention to what she has to say, [and] therefore, it doesn't matter how crisp, robust and powerful her message is; the impact to the listener is diminished because they're focused on the external beauty," says Brown. Audio clip.

"You look great for your age" or "Do you use Botox?"

Let's face it: This country is addicted to the notion of the fountain of youth. With new age-defying procedures and potions being touted at every turn, there's a significant amount of pressure on women (and even men these days) to keep a youthful appearance. Especially inappropriate in the workplace, a woman's age should never be discussed unless she brings it up first. And if you suspect her great look is the result of a surgical procedure, keep it to yourself, unless your coworker volunteers that information to you.

"You do that so well … for a girl."

Even if said in a joking way, the phrase implies that women are inferior to men, and the recipient may not receive it with the best of humor. "The reference [is] not appropriate. That's basically a demeaning term," says Snowden. "[It indicates] you're less than the fellows because you are a woman. Any conversation that implies you are 'less than' is inappropriate." Audio clip.

"When are you due?"

If you are not absolutely certain that a woman is expecting, do not, I repeat, do not ask this question. By far one of the most insulting things you could possibly say to a woman who is not pregnant, this question could leave you with your foot in your mouth and an enemy for life.

"I think it's inappropriate to say anything unless you get into a conversation about family," advises Snowden. "For example, I may say something about my family, children or something and then may ask them if they have children. They may say, 'No, I don't have children, but I'm expecting,' or they may not say anything about them expecting. I think it's very dangerous to get into personal kinds [of] things like that without someone letting you know its OK first." Audio clip. 

Reader Comments

Posted: Thursday, Jul 10, 2008 Things NEVER to Say to Women Executives I am writing to comment on Joe M.'s un-scientific analysis of the article. While Joe makes a good point that certain comments are better left unsaid no matter who they are directed to, I feel he totally missed the mark on the rest of his arguments. The article addresses women executives, no vagueness about that, and from whom the comments are coming is a moot point. It does not matter whether a male or female is making the comment, the point is these are comments that should not be made, period. Not surprisingly, the male species finds issue with an article addressing women and their right to be respected as an equal cohort. True, men are victims too, but when you look at these issues from a historical context, women are overwhelmingly on the receiving end, whether intentional or not. The emphasis should be placed on addressing and correcting these behaviours which is what the article is attempting to do. As for being offended by the capitalization of NEVER, caps are used for emphasis; the writer is trying to draw your attention to a key word or point. I'm having a hard time figuring out what is offensive about that. Danielle H

Posted: Wednesday, Jul 09, 2008 Things NEVER to Say to Women Executives Where is the articule(sic) on the people who make fake sexual harrasment(sic)claims? I know of one incident: that a woman claimed sexual on a man kissing a woman at a comany (sic) diner at a resturant (sic). Later in the review the guy was actually kissing his wife. Or a Guy opening a door for a woman to go through. How many other incidents are there like these that are claimed as sexual harrasment (sic) and are not? There have been more sexual harasment(sic) claims on common curticity (sic) than most people realize. Is it a trend now a day to do this kind of fake reporting to get rid of people so another can take their place? S Savell

Posted: Wednesday, Jul 09, 2008 Things NEVER to Say to Women Executives Hard to imagine in today's business world that these seemingly obvious reminders are still so relevant but speaking from experience, they are. As an equal partner and owner in my prior company, I could not get my associate to stop calling me "honey" and "sweetheart" during business calls and meetings with clients and colleagues. Each told me privately it was offensive and interpreted as attempts to marginalize me. Efforts to address the issue privately with my business partner were met with exhausting anger...and resumed during future calls and meetings. We are no longer associated in business for other reasons but I know the cost of staying silent is too high. Thanks for continuing to keep these and other important reminders at the forefront. Debra Bachar

Posted: Wednesday, Jul 09, 2008 Things NEVER to Say to Women Executives Some people, irrespective of their sex, are born with an inferiority complex. Analyzing their writings may shed light on their problem. One thing common in such cases is that they try to distance themselves from others. If they have earned a status they try to make sure no-one gets closer than the yellow lines they draw. Sometimes they go as far as to impose their rules, and no one should ever break them. Maybe they are trying to imitate those with a superiority complex. Reading this article, one can find many arguments to support my reasoning. For example in the title, the word "NEVER" is typed in capitals. It is as if she is saying, "dont you dare disobey me". One might argue that it was the editor who came up with the idea. Even if this was the case, the author accepted it. For me, nothing could be more offending than using capital letters in the title. Assumptions It is also obvious that this article is riddled with assumptions. For example, under the heading "Any kind of sexual comment" she wrote, At a previous job, a supervisor approached me and jokingly said, "I'll give you a dollar for five minutes alone in the copy room." One has to agree with the author that this is extremely insulting. The problem I see here is that the main heading is "Things NEVER to Say to Women Executives" One can immediately see that the author sees this is wrong because it was addressed to a women, and not because it is intrinsically wrong. To put this to a test, I made up a story of a famous male actor being sexually harassed by his secretary. I used the same reason given here. Then I asked 10 females to see what they think. The majority thought that the actor was probably playing it up, and this was not really sexual harassment. By no means I can claim my findings as scientific. But it can certainly be good grounds for a hypothesis dealing with this pr oblem. My point is that comments are wrong because they are wrong, not because it is addressed to a male or a female. My last point here is that any author should be more specific on who the article is about. I am not sure whether this article was addressed to males, females or both. To test this I took the following and asked the same 10 subjects to tell me whether they think it was a male addressing a female or vice-versa. "You don't really want that promotion. You'll never see your kids." "There is that preconceived notion that a woman cannot work more than the 40 hours per week, especially if she has a family," says Brown. All agreed that it was more of a women advising other women. But I ask, was it? who knows? I could go through the whole article and note many more similar points. We should fight for diversity, and women's rights because we are all equal. We should not confuse readers with "sugared arguments" This practice leads to nowhere. Joe Mifsud

Posted: Wednesday, Jul 09, 2008 Things NEVER to Say to Women Executives I have worked for one woman manager and with another woman professional who both addressed people of both sexes as "honey". Men and women both have tried to explain the inappropriateness of this address. Neither woman understands her error to this day- but as a woman being addressed this way I felt it implied that I was diminutive or less than my peers when my boss called me honey during a meeting. Debra Quade

Posted: Wednesday, Jul 09, 2008 Things NEVER to Say to Women Executives I appreciated your article on "Things Never to Say to Women Executives". The article could further state "What Not to Say to Women ANYTIME!" The expressions in the article are derogatory and sexist. Thank you for sharing this message with others. Jacki Schmick

 

digg this | mixx! | reddit | del.icio.us | Newsvine  e-mail article |  print | post comments | NEWSLETTER

---

Send Your Comments About This Article Now

First Name: Last Name:

Your E-Mail Address

Message Subject

Message:

Clicking "Send Message" registers your e-mail address to receive DiversityInc's Free Daily Newsletter.

©DiversityInc. Reproduction in any format is absolutely prohibited.