7 Things NEVER to Say to LGBT Coworkers
By Daryl Hannah
May 30, 2008
For most, coming out at
work is not an easy task. You can't be sure how your company or peers will
respond to your revelation. And despite recent reports that the workplace is
growing increasingly accepting to LGBT employees, people often don't
know how to welcome a colleague who recently came out of the closet.
PricewaterhouseCoopers executive
Stephanie Peel's history is a corporate America coming-out success story. When
she came out professionally nearly 10 years ago, she was welcomed by her
colleagues. "I came out personally in 1997 and came out professionally in 1999.
Fortunately, I never heard anything not positive," says Peel.
Peel now serves on the company's
LGBT-partner advisory board, which consists of 10--12 leaders in the firm who
are LGBT, and provides guidance to the management committee to help further
advance initiatives and activities. PricewaterhouseCoopers is No. 12 on The 2007 DiversityInc Top 50 Companies for Diversity®
list and No. 8 on the Top 10
Companies for LGBT Employees.
"I often tell people who ask me
about this [that] it's not just about what you can't say or shouldn't say,
because sometimes I find that colleagues feel stymied in that they shouldn't say
anything at all. There is a lot of room for the things you can say to give clues
to people that you are inclusive and culturally sensitive," warns Peel.
So what are seven things you
should NEVER say to your LGBT colleagues? Here's what GLSEN (the Gay, Lesbian and
Straight Education Network), Out & Equal Workplace Project, and Peel
suggest:
No. 1: "I suspected you were gay."
Although it is a common response,
it's insensitive and plays into stereotypes.
No. 2: "I'm sorry."
Why should you apologize for a
colleague's orientation? This implies judgment and can make the situation more
difficult. Would you apologize for a person's ethnicity or gender?
No. 3: "Why did you tell me that?"
It's important for people to bring
their "whole selves" to work, and coming out of the closet is certainly a part
of who one is. "The notion of leaving a big part of your self at home and
walking into work is like walking around with two types of shoes on," says
Selisse Berry, executive director of Out & Equal,
an advocacy organization that provides services to companies, human-resource
professionals, employee-resource groups and
individuals.
No. 4: "Which bathroom do you
use?"
Transgender people often are asked
what gender they are. Such questions are inappropriate, warns Out & Equal.
It is important to remember that gender identity is becoming an increasingly
sensitive subject.
No. 5: "We are not close enough for
you to share that information with me."
Not all employees are interested in
their coworkers' personal lives. If you feel a colleague may have shared too
much information, you can simply say, "Thank you for telling me that," says
Peel.
No. 6: Referring to coworkers as
"she-male."
There has been a lot of uproar
these days over this phrase. Transgender employees often are the brunt of
culturally insensitive jokes and comments.
No. 7: "What do you like to do in
bed?"
Sexual
questions and comments are always off-limits. Not only do you run the risk of
offending a colleague, you are also teetering the line of sexual harassment.
It's important not to be confused between trying to understand someone's
personal life and inappropriate sexual harassment, warns Kevin Jennings,
executive director of GLSEN.
More Things NEVER to Say >>
Readers' Comments
Posted: Wednesday, Jul 01, 2009
7 Things NEVER to Say to LGBT Coworkers
At school and at work I have had three people "come out" and inform me of their sexual orientation. In both cases I listened to their stories and felt great compassion for all they had gone through. All three were in quite a bit of emotional pain and surprised that I accepted them as always after their disclosure. Although they are all very kind, fun people and I like them . . excuse me but it is just too much information for my comfort zone. Excuse me for being "Neanderthal" but let me explain why people would ask some of these questions. 1 Sorry, but most of the time we DID have it figured out already. 2 "Im Sorry" isn't a slam. One guy told me how he longed to have a baby and the sadness and depression he was dealing with over knowing it could never happen and how his life was so complicated - he said his homosexuality was something he would have never asked for. "I'm sorry for his pain and depression. Another person had tried to commit suicide rather than tell their family. "I was overwhelmingly sorry for the pain this person was in to the point of trying to take their own life! If a person cares for you they are sorry because they can't understand because they are homosexual and they don't know what else to say! 3 Well, maybe we really weren't "comfortable" hearing about your sexual orientation. Do I have a right not to be made uncomfortable? So, "Why did you tell me that" just means - I wish you hadn't told me that - You have had a lifetime to get to where you WANT to tell people..... maybe I don't want to hear it? Be sensitive to others feelings please. I can also understand someone asking 4 and 5 but 6 and 7 are both WAY OUT OF LINE and I'm sorry that anyone has ever crossed that line. I would never say anything crude rude or hurtful - I just don't get it - - and would rather not be forced to listen to anything about it. If this makes me "Neanderthal" Sorry!
Samantha Gwinn
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Posted: Friday, Jun 12, 2009
7 Things NEVER to Say to LGBT Coworkers
People are people no matter their gender. Try to love everyone.
Mickey Mouse
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Posted: Friday, Jun 05, 2009
7 Things NEVER to Say to LGBT Coworkers
My partner, of 13 yrs and I have worked together ever since about the 2nd month after meeting. We don't hide the fact that we are gay and we are pretty much like the rest of the guys in the warehouse/shop. The only issue that we have ran into, when the owner of the company we used to work for would not like something my partner did, I was usually called in to discuss it. While I was more management and he a shop worker, it was somewhat ackward. The owner and his wife had other gay friends, so it was definately not an issue with them. Over the years we have encountered very few problems from people, the biggest issues are from truck drivers that come in and run their mouths only to be put in their place after inserting their foot! Which actually can be fun in itself and a good learning experience for them!
m e
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Posted: Monday, May 18, 2009
7 Things NEVER to Say to LGBT Coworkers
I love it when someone says: "Can I ask you a question?" To which I reply: "If you're not afraid of the answer - fire away!" I've had all 7 (and then some others) question asked of me at one time or another. Never bother me to shoot back from the hip in order to teach neanderthals that this is the 21 century.
Robin Sears
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Posted: Thursday, May 07, 2009
7 Things NEVER to Say to LGBT Coworkers
I have been asked this question, and it presupposes a relationship cast in the mold of "traditional" male/female roles. This question comes in other forms to: Who wears the pants in your family? or Who's the breadwinner?
I usually respond to these questions as an opportunity to teach, and I actually take the willingness to ask questions, however inappropriate, as a sign of willingness to learn. I do not make an issue of my sexual orientation, but I do try to demontrate to people who have never been "close" to someone who is LGBT that we are just like everyone else. I figure that's the best way for me to have an impact.
Also, we do need to understand that most of the time, people are not asking inappropriate questions out of hate or intolerance, but out of ignorance...and bein asked questions gives us the best opportunity to start to open minds.
Stacy Lieder
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