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Alan Muir hates it when his walker is moved. Sometimes he'll leave it somewhere in the office and when he goes back to get it, it's gone. Venus Opal Reese hates it when people touch her naturally curly hair without permission. And how many times have you seen the pregnant coworker feign a smile as colleagues gather to rub her stomach?
Personal space is just that--personal. Touching someone without permission can at worst be considered an assault, but it almost always is at least considered minor harassment, indicating that the perpetrator lacks tact, a sense of boundaries and respect for others.
In the office, it is important that people understand why they should not touch a person's wheelchair or cane, a person's curly hair or bald head, or practice greetings that could be construed as flirting or patronizing. Unsolicited touches can be vexing for women and people from other traditionally underrepresented groups. They have a tougher time building relationships with leaders who don't look like them. At the same time, they don't want to appear unfriendly but want to establish respect for who they are without seeming grouchy.
Here are four ways to politely set personal-space boundaries:
1. Humor: "Humor is best if you're good at it," says Muir, executive director of Career Opportunities for Students with Disabilities. Muir is 3 feet tall and has had airport flight attendants pat his head or try to carry him up steps without his permission. For those less obtrusive times when his cane or walker is moved, Muir has had to explain that for a person who uses a mobility device, the cane, walker, scooter or wheelchair is part of the person and to touch or move them will personally offend the owner.
"If you use humor and a polite 'no,' most people will get the message, and if you can, think of a response that puts it back on them," says Jane Adams, a social psychologist and author of 11 books, including Boundary Issues.
For people who deal with others touching their hair, Letitia Baldrige, author of 23 books including Taste and New Manners for New Times, suggests victims say, "'Hey, leave my $3,000 haircut alone, will you?' Make it a joke."
2. A polite rebuke: Often, however, the joke is too indirect and the personal-space violator doesn't understand that the advance was not welcome.
"I try not to be angry because that fits the stereotype the media has given [people with disabilities] in movies or TV of the angry, bitter person with a disability," says Muir. "When someone pats me on the head, short of breaking the guy's arm, I say, 'I'm not a pet or a toy and I'm older than you are, most likely.' That's when you have to be more direct. Try to bring the person back to what would normally be a civilized way of doing things."
The same can be said for people of color. Often, white people will ask questions they believe to be innocent but that demonstrate an ignorance of Black, Latino, Native American or Asian-American culture. Asking one person why a group of people does something demonstrates that one is not truly interested in researching the answer themselves and learning about the culture in question.
Touching someone's hair without permission because a person is intrigued with its curls, braids or another aspect of the style also shows an ignorance of difference that can frustrate the person touched.
"Historically, white people as a community have had permission to do whatever they want with Black people … we can talk about slavery, lynchings, etc.," says Reese, assistant professor of aesthetics/cultural studies at the University of Texas at Dallas. "If people can frame things inside historical residue instead of personal affronts, they'll deal with it better."
With an understanding of that historical context, a white coworker might think twice before reaching out to touch a Black coworker's curly hair or at least will make sure to ask permission. Also, the Black employee might not take the affront personally and will respond with humor or a kind correction.
Asian-American executives, especially those who are women, can experience similar interactions. Stereotypes of Asian women as passive and domestic can creep into the office when people are interacting with Asian-American executives.
"When you apply these theories to personal space, you realize you have to understand how people see you before you talk to them. Consider that it's not you they're touching. They're touching a historical idea," says Reese.
She adds, "You can help people understand where you're coming from by giving them a metaphor or parallel situation with which they can identify. If they touch your hair, you can say, 'Well, I think your chair looks comfortable, but you don't see me sitting in your chair without your permission.'"
3. Self-Deprecation: "Make yourself out to be the bad guy. That's showing grace. You don't want to hurt feelings," says Baldrige.
Self-deprecation can also incorporate humor. If the culture in the office is one in which people greet each other with a kiss on the cheek or a hug and that is uncomfortable for you, stop them with an outstretched arm and open hand for a handshake. A person can also plan ahead and think of a quip that makes fun of their peculiarities.
"Head it off at the pass and use non-verbal means to tell people to respect your personal space," says Bob Sommer, distinguished professor of psychology emeritus at
Sommer studied corporate-office culture for 10 months. His study, "Spatial Orientation in the Cube," was published in the Journal of Facilities Management in 2007.
4. Use Body Language: Sommer noticed that certain people deal less with violation of their personal space when their body language indicates they're too busy. Employees who hunched over their desk, leaned forward when working or looked intently at their computer were less likely to deal with colleagues stepping into their cubicle.
If someone is trying to get attention, place a hand on the side of your face on which they sit. Also, face your desk away from a doorway or entrance so people don't feel a need to interrupt you as they exit and enter, says Sommer.
But at the end of the day, most everyone wants to know they have friends and confidants at work, so don't rebuff too many advances that seek to include you. Show you're a team player and a nice person using other methods.
"Pick up the bill when going to lunch to simply show that you're a team player even though you might not like people touching you," says Baldrige.