What should a family understand if a child or relative chooses to disclose their sexual orientation during the annual holiday gathering or decides to reveal more about his/her experiences as a gay or lesbian person? Rather than see the news as a "bombshell," perhaps they should view it as an unexpected gift, says psychologist Robert-Jay Green. Green is executive director of the Rockway Institute, a national center for science and LGBT public policy at the California School of Professional Psychology, a part of Alliant International University in San Francisco.

Green has conducted original research into the motivations and experiences of gay men as they "come out" to their families, and he can draw upon more than 30 years of experience as a psychologist in private practice, professor and researcher to discuss the dynamics of such disclosures for gays and lesbians and their families.

Among his observations:

• While initial reaction to the news from about two-thirds of parents is negative, his research shows that, over time, about half of the families experience improved relationships. Another 40 percent see little change.   
• Because males in our culture have the greatest difficulty accepting homosexuality, fathers are often the last in the family to be told. But ironically, the disclosure that a son is gay is likely to have the most positive effect on the father-son relationship over time than on any other relationship in the family.   
• While activists tend to encourage all lesbians and gays to "come out" to their families for political reasons, this is not always the best choice for personal or family reasons. A decision not to disclose can be a healthy choice for lesbian/gay people in families where the disclosure could lead to violence, irreconcilable conflict, or withdrawal of essential economic or other instrumental/emotional support. These risks are especially important when the lesbian/gay offspring is still a dependent minor or in traditional ethnic niches where the acts of an individual family member can have dire consequences for the economic or social well-being of the entire extended family. 
• For many lesbians and gay men, "coming out" is an affirmation of self and a signal to relatives that the person values family relationships and wants to honestly share all of his/her life with loved ones. Family members can be helped to view the lesbian/gay person's act of coming out as a gift in which the person shares a significant part that has been kept concealed.  
• Coming out is just one step in a much longer journey of being out. A crucial question for family relations is what happens after the initial disclosure. For example, to what extent does the lesbian/gay offspring discuss with parents the stresses of being lesbian/gay (such as the negative psychological impact of antigay legislation, or incidences of employment and housing discrimination) and to what extent is the family willing to accept the offspring's partner as a legitimate full-fledged "in-law"? Too often, the family becomes "frozen in time" after the initial coming-out experience, with too few efforts at mutual understanding between family members afterwards.

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