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Question:

Over the years, I have had various Caucasians say to me while smiling:  "I don't even consider you to be a black person," "You don't seem black to me" or "I don't feel like you're black."

If this is SUPPOSED to be a compliment, does it mean, "I'm not afraid of you like the 'ghetto' blacks I see on TV?" or "You are a black person that lives up to my superior standards?" I always explain that I'm VERY proud to be African American and if I could come back white I still would NOT. I also have had coworkers not talk to me until they see that other white people like me. I am always upset when I am the only black person a white person knows. I think we should all learn about other people and cultures and not think that their specific culture is the one we should all work toward.

Answer:

From what I've been told, this happens fairly often and not just across race lines. For example, our executive editor, Barbara Frankel, was told by a same-race but male employee that he liked her because she didn't "think like a woman." Barbara was insulted, and rightfully so.

What you are experiencing is the first instance of a person accepting another person who is outside of their "tribe." Although the words and the sentiment are insulting, the person expressing them is (usually) not consciously trying to insult you. In their backward and ignorant way, they are actually trying to give you a compliment! (See also: 'You're So Articulate')

Depending on how charitable you feel to the person, your response can be a defining moment in their life. Unfortunately, you have to communicate a complex situation to a person who has no awareness of the power of being in the majority culture. You can hear the lack of white awareness when white people respond to being called white by saying, "I'm not white, I'm a (name of a European country) American!" That's not to deny that person's heritage--but it illustrates an ignorance of white privilege.

This is an area where I get the most hate mail of anything I write about (even more than LGBT issues). It is an issue for many people who do not think they have overtly oppressed people. It is very difficult for most white and/or wealthy and/or male and/or having no ADA-defined disabilities and/or straight people to understand how they can oppress people without considering their actions to be oppressive. You hear this expressed as "everything is so politically correct these days" as if the end of a perceived license to offend people is something to regret.

This obliviousness is not limited to white people. We all have to be cognizant of our own limitations and ignorance. There is no "free pass" based on race, gender, orientation, age or disability. For example, I've heard homophobic comments from people of color, misogynist comments from gay men, and I came from a place of profound ignorance myself--and I continue to have revelations just about every day.

What is important, in my opinion, is the heart of the person with whom you're dealing. You have the right to bypass people you think are recalcitrant ignoramuses, but it is a nice thing to gently bring awareness to the unaware. That is what my friend Tony Cato did for me 20 years ago when we worked together and what my friends like Dr. Johnnetta Cole continue to do for me to this day.

So when you're in the uncomfortable position of being the only black person a white person knows, please try to expand that person's horizon. It is unfair that the oppressed must be the educator, but that is exactly the situation you are in. Perhaps you can take solace in the knowledge that you must be a very nice person to have had these experiences. I hope you will take heart in my response and continue cultivating friends across racial lines.

What "compliment" has offended you most? Click here to tell us what you think.

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