White Guy Responds to ‘Why Did He Kill Himself?’
Luke Visconti’s Ask the White Guy column is a top draw on DiversityInc.com. Visconti, the founder and CEO of DiversityInc, is a nationally recognized leader in diversity management. In his popular column, readers who ask Visconti tough questions about race/culture, religion, gender, sexual orientation, disability and age can expect smart, direct and disarmingly frank answers.
This comment came in response to our article on a gay student who killed himself after his college roommate broadcast his sexual encounter on the Internet. I thought it was worth turning into its own column because I’m sure this reader expressed what many people are thinking.
Comment:
First, my deepest sympathies to the family, friends, and loved ones of this young man who felt, tragically, he needed [to] end his life. And, whereas I do not condone the actions of this fellow’s roommate and partner in crime, I would also wonder why this young man felt he needed to end his life. It is increasingly common, these days, to find secret videos of individuals’ sex acts on the internet and yet these individuals have not chosen to end their lives. What else was going on in this young man’s life that caused him to believe that the only viable solution for him was to end his life? This, too, must be explored. The people who did this were young and stupid, to be sure, but I don’t believe, for a moment, that they would have done this had they known that the young man’s response would have been suicide.
Answer:
“This, too, must be explored”? Why? To justify or somehow ameliorate this tragedy? The unctuous expression of “sympathies” makes this a particularly creepy response. Would it make you feel better to know that, aside from his being exploited for entertainment while he was emerging from childhood and becoming a sexual being, he also was overdrawn on his checking account?
What if he were killed by a drunk driver? Or a falling bullet from a person shooting a gun in the air? Would you want to “explore” the reason the victim was in that place at that time to be killed by the car or hit by the bullet? What nonsense. Readers, I have excluded hateful comments on this article and came close to editing this one out too—but will use it to make a point.
Our country has come a long way, but the fact is that LGBT people face an incredible bigotry—much of it driven by so-called religious and political leaders who fill their coffers by promoting the sense of an “other” group to discriminate against. There’s something in the tribal nature of the human spirit that lets us have a cheap thrill by oppressing and/or denigrating another group. This young man was a student and a musician and a victim. He was not webcast while doing homework; no, the (alleged) perpetrators were enjoying the prurient thrill of outing an 18-year-old kissing someone of the same sex. The reason someone would find pleasure in doing this is the ugly thing we see when we look in our society’s mirror, which must be confronted forthrightly if we are going to vanquish it. Our continued oppression of our LGBT citizens, the leveraging of hate for personal gain—THIS is what “must be explored.”
9:49 pm
The question is not relative, at all to why this young student arrived at the need to take his life. Sexual privacy, or the lack of respect on the part of society for sexual privacy is in my apinion what caused the young student to kill himself. This is America, people have a right to love and have sex with the same sex, as long as they are not hurting anybody or themselves When our society comes to terms with that fact, our society will be better off. Sexual or any form of human discrimination/bias is not the American way.
6:02 pm
Bravo Luke! Bravo!
9:26 am
At one time, as a lay minister, I did pastoral counseling. Anybody who has done this kind of spiritual work would not need to ask this question, and I’m stunned that anybody is clueless enough to think it needed asking.
In a still-homophobic society, tainted by bigots and twisters of Scripture (to say nothing of the political exploiters [some of them closet cases themselves]), I deeply admire any GLBT teen or youth who does NOT sometimes contemplate suicide as a way to escape the persecutors and bullies they must confront.
10:52 am
To video tape anyone, without their knowledge, in an intimate relationship is an act of stupidity. The intended outcome was caused by the foolishness of the prankster. Despite the emotional makeup of the person harmed the person causing the harm should be punished. I do not think this was a hate crime, but it is darn close to be viewed as an act of multiple criminal activities.
12:27 pm
Luke, while I applaud your intent to keep the focus on the tragedy of a young life ended as a result of stupidity and intolerance, I do however think it is important to be aware of other contributing factors to his decision to take his life, so that it may serve as early warning for help to other teens and young adults dealing with their sexual identity and the potential backlash they may experience from others who aren’t accepting of their exploration. This by NO means is a suggestion to ignore or minimize the fact that the bullying was a direct cause of his decision, by the contrary, I believe they should be prosecuted to the fullest extent of the law, civil and criminal. However, as a person who has suffered from major depression and suicidal ideations, I recognize that mental illness (albeit in this young mans case was likely caused by his fear of society’s acceptance of his lifestyle) is what causes the thought to become an action, and if there is a way to reach out to young people in this vulnerable state and provide them with alternate sources of emotional and medical support, they will know there are other more productive ways to dealing with hatred and ignorance than to take your own life. This young man’s life deserves to be celebrated as well as understood, the lessons learned could save another person’s life.
2:08 pm
I heard it called cyber-bullying. We see the results of bullying every day in elementary school, middle school, high school, college. Some kids snap and plan mass murder, some kids commit suicide, some turn to alcohol or drugs. Thank God some survive. Diversity education is needed in the schools, not just the work place.
2:11 pm
I think the perpetrators in this case should be prosecuted just as if they had been driving drunk and in the process, killed someone.
Drunk driving is always wrong, as is bullying, even if no one is killed, and should always be prosecuted. And if someone is killed as the result of the poor judgement someone used either in drving drunk or in bullying, “I didn’t think I would hurt anyone” should never, ever, be an acceptable excuse. “Criminally negligent homicide”, or “reckless endangerment”, maybe, would be a good thing to charge such people with.
In one way, however, this case is almost worse than drunk driving, because those who drive drunk do not drive drunk on purpose to hurt someone. These bullies knew they were hurting someone-they enjoyed doing such a thing and planned ahead to do it, so they could laugh at someone’s pain and suffering-but didn’t mean for it to lead all the way to a death. NOT a good excuse, in my book.
12:27 pm
This is as hateful a comment as I have ever read, “Our country has come a long way, but the fact is that LGBT people face an incredible bigotry—much of it driven by so-called religious and political leaders who fill their coffers by promoting the sense of an “other” group to discriminate against. ” I am a Christian that is deeply saddened by the death of Tyler Clementi. I am the mother of a teenager. I have friends that are gay, good friends, not just people that I know and claim to sound politically correct. You must realize that bullies are bullies, no matter what their religious beliefs. To lump all who love their God into a category of looking for someone to pick on, is just shifting the discrimination again. You are embracing the gay community, and turning the hate toward “the religious”. Perhaps I haven’t read enough of your magazine, but I’m surprised to see this in a Diversity publication. Don’t allow the LGBT community to feel that this is a religious thing. A young man and woman made a horribly mean and hateful decision to interfere in another young man’s personal life. They made a cruel decision that had a consequence so awful that no words can express the intensity of the tragedy. Perhaps had someone been able to share the love and hope of God with Tyler, he would be alive today. I have worked on a suicide prevention hotline, and the decisions people make to end their lives are usually made when situations culminate in such an intense pain that all hope for the future is gone. That is the value in having education available to all teens about suicide prevention and the need to support each other in hopes that they will find a way to reach out to others before the light at the end of the tunnel is gone. Please don’t incite people to rise up against one group in defending another. We need to look for ways to help our teens, both gay and straight, know that suicide is a permanent solution to a situation that can be dealt with and that we shouldn’t point fingers at one group in order to make another feel better about thier situation. We’re all guilty at some point — let’s try to make progress and not regress to blaming. Bless Tyler and his family — I cannot imagine the incredible emotional pain as he ended his life or that of his family as they suffer the loss of their loved one.
6:52 pm
I am not sure if I missed it, but, if not, now would be a good time to mention the term “internalized oppression”. This is when we internalize the hate that others have about our difference – and when we carry around the shame and humiliation that comes with it. This is clearly what happened in this tragedy.
The last statistic I heard, about 6 months ago, is that it is still true that 1/3 of all successfully-committed suicides are due to questions of sexual orientation. This means that the number is higher for those attempts that were not successful. Think for a moment about what this means. It’s stunning.
Although homophobia may have lessened in our society over the last 30 years, we obviously still have a horrific amount of fear and loathing in our culture and around the world. Some countries are doing better with this than we are, and, in some countries, you will still be executed for it.
The good news is that in high schools that have gay-straight alliances, the statistics for safety, health, and happiness (including bullying, suicide attempts, depression, etc.) are much, much better. So, if you want to help out here, folks, do what you can to help your community become more welcoming, respectful, embracing for LGBT members. Let’s accelerate the shift!
7:01 pm
Re “I don’t believe, for a moment, that they would have done this had they known that the young man’s response would have been suicide” Why? They did nothing to evidence compassion or tolerance before, what leads you to believe they would care? We will see in a court of law. I believe they should be tried for harassment, contributing to manslaughter, and should submit to psychiatric testing. From cradle to grave gay people are still tormented, some still driven to suicide, Until equal rights are bestowed upon day citizens and unless harassment and bullying are made illegal there will be victims. Bullies require a victim, Funny you put yourself in their shoes but not his. Funny you didn’t ask if he would have done it had he known he would surely die or if he was off prescribed medications. The national hot line for troubled questioning youth is what needs publicity, not these murderous monsters. The Trevor Lifeline at: 866-4-U-TREVOR (866-488-7386)